bhanubhandari

I'm not sure whether I'll be able to follow through with this blog as I haven't ever been able to keep up. This is the same reason I don't have a portfolio website listing all the projects that I've worked on so far, big or small. I just can't get myself to do it.

For now, however, I get to justify it to some extent because my beloved paternal grandmother left for her heavenly abode around ten days ago. (I had to think what 15 minus 5 is, as you can guess, I'm still a little shaken up).

Since December 2015, our grandmother had been staying with me, my mom and my dad almost permanently. Earlier on, she was in health, which allowed her to travel to our ancestral state of Himachal. Yes, I hail from a hilly area. Kind of. Anyway, since she had been with us for so long, we had all become very used to her presence. It was somewhat similar to the presence of a guiding beacon and a guardian angel at the same time, protecting us from horrors of lack of common sense with her decades of life experience. The only calming thought I have about the entire affair is that the woman (may her soul RIP) was in peace while in pain, that she died a happy death. I still get flashbacks, dreams and sometimes even black out sometimes and imagine her presence around me. I guess this is a part of grieving, and though life allows me no breaks and no bereavement periods, grieve I must.

For I have suffered a tragic, sudden loss. My words held no meaning when I told her to "come back healthy" when I saw her off with my parents as they drove to the last time she would be admitted to the hospital. She gave me money every time I returned to the college back from home. It was not a lot, but she always did - this became a ritual of sorts. She was easily one of the finest and most graceful people I have known in the brief period of consciousness I have experienced (relative to the universe, of course). She led the charge of her life when her husband passed away in 2004 and had been living extremely independently since day 1. She carried the burden of the patriarchy with a subtle ease and comfort, and managed also to defy it whenever possible.

Losing one of the very few people who truly care about you, no matter season or health, is a sinking feeling which won't ever "go away", but only be stifled by daily life. She was 88 (90?), to be fair - human beings do come with an expiry date, and we've one-upped nature by determining this for all sorts of products.

Except human beings themselves. Our expiry dates are sometimes never revealed at all, and mostly are more of an "expiry incoming" period than dates per se. We can do it for all we have made, but not ourselves. Kind of strange and sad if you think about it.

Grad school prep is becoming kind of annoying. I'm yet to finish a number of applications and one of my professors just won't give me the LOR soon enough. I hope he releases them whenever he can, and changes the content just a little bit. Otherwise I do not have any other particular needs from the person. But I'm feeling like I'm sitting on things and they aren't moving - oh well. I hope I'm able to get into even one of the places I'm applying to - I don't know what is safe and what isn't. All I do know is managing 12 applications, a heavy project and a complete course load all at once is annoying and unnecessary, to say the least. 

I'm incredibly tired, and this is turning more into a brain fart than anything else, so here goes absolutely, completely, without any ounce of heft, nothing. I hope I can get the energy I need to complete the home stretch before my six months of work ex begins here.